Again and again, I find myself goig back to people that hurt me.. people that have made me cry..

I feel so damaged inside and out.. so worthless.. who wants a woman who was not only gang-raped at 11, but raped again and again through her teenage years by her brother's friends.. I hear my mother's voice telling me how horrible and unlovable I am and I almost believe it..

I've been in abusive relationship after abusive relationship my entire adult life.. granted, none of them have physically hit me nor raped me, but emotionally, they've all torn me to shreads..

it took finding out my high school sweetheart was sleeping with someone else before I packed up my daughter and left..

was with my ex for 7 years.. for 7 years, I was never good enough.. my cooking not good enough (I used to make him meals for work every day - he got mad once that a london broil I made him wasn't pink enough and tossed it aside, saying he'd just grab some take-out.. berating me for it not being good enough in front of co-workers and a friend that was there).. how I cleaned the house wasn't good enough.. (I could spend the day cleaning the kitchen.. the livingroom.. taking care of 3 kids.. doing laundry.. running errands, and he'd come home and yell about my not cleaning the bathroom).. and then there was his porn.. all his stupid porn.. he usually wouldn't touch me unless he had looked at it - making me feel like I wasn't enough for him - that he needed that in order to even get aroused.. when I found myself pregnant a 4th time, he even pushed me into giving my baby up for adoption - threatening to leave me and the kids if I didn't.. then walked out the day AFTER the adoption was finalized..

then there's the guy I've been involved with most recently.. he can be so sweet and loving sometimes, but other times he makes me feel like I'm nothing.. he's addicted to some stupid video game an in the past year, he's put that game before me again and again - even leaving in the middle of our celebrating valentine's day to go talk to a guy about the game.. when we fight, he's told me that I'm just like his mother, and even worse, just like MY MOTHER AND BROTHER - the two people who abused me most growing up.. he's talked about wanting to be with me, but drags his feet and makes excuses about why he hasn't found a job or finished his education or any of the other steps he's talked about doing before we would be able to be together.. he won't even tell his family about my children - like they're a dirty little secret and he doesn't want them disaproving.. His mom knows I'm older than him but he can't even be honest about my children - I have to keep everything they've made him here because he doesn't want her seeing them and asking questions..

yet, with each of these relationships, I've kept going back.. they ask me back and I go.. I don't know if I feel on some level that I don't deserve any better.. I don't know if it's that I'm so starved for love that I'm willing to take any scraps I can get.. I hear an apology and get asked to remember the good times and please come back.. and I always do..

how do I stop being a doormat?? how do I stop letting people bully me and hurt me?? I don't want to be like this.. I keep trying to stand up for myself.. I keep trying to say NO MORE but I always cave.. it's like I'm not strong enough to stand up for myself and make it all stop..