Hi all.

I have an ex girlfriend. We dated 10 years ago and stayed friends afterwards. She got a new boyfriend. He moved in with her pretty quickly. After two years she tells me they argue a lot and things aren’t going well. She ends the relationship and moves to a different city. A few weeks later they are semi- back together again. After he realised she wasn’t coming back he kinda accepted the new reality.He stays with her half of the week some times.

A few months later tells me he doesn’t show her any physical affection anymore, despite saying that he still loves her. That this makes her feel so insecure, unattractive and rejected that this makes her even change the way she holds herself around other people. That they still argue a lot and he sometimes stays in a hotel because she refuses to stay with him. And that she feels she’s to blame for it. That she already criticises herself a lot and with his ‘help’ it’s like 1,2,3, to destroy her self esteem. That they basically live like brother and sister and for her it’s over, but he won’t let her go. That she’s constantly mad with him. She says it’s hard to rebuild anything new and it will take her some time to feel differently. She breaks up with him again but he ignores it and keeps acting as if they’re still together. That she calls him her ex, he keeps calling her his girlfriend. And so they keep going on/off, on/off.

A year and a half later, she tells me it’s finally really over between them. And she’s actively dating other men. She even hints at me and her meeting again and do something fun. We start talking more an more and starting to get a bit closer again and actually agree to meet.

But then she starts talking about her ex again. That he still has the keys to her house and sometimes comes inside her house when she’s at work to ‘check if there’s still pictures of them hanging on the wall’ and he would leave notes for her. That he brought her flowers and gave her a ride to the airport which was “actually handy”. That his mother is very ill and she feels obliged to ask him about it, because that she can’t be rude to him after 5 years and “all he did for her”. That she feels afraid to slip back into the relationship again, because, like always, he just keeps acting like they are still together. That he asked her if he could stay at her place for one month because of a new job close to her house, and that she feels she can’t refuse it because he still helped her pay the deposit for her apartment when she moved in. She sends me a picture showing a cut on her nose, saying that it was an accident at the gym (?).

No surprise, a few weeks later she’s back with him. Saying that she wants to give another chance to the person that has been there for her the past years in good and bad times.

My question: what is going on here?

Half of my friends say she’s a borderline and she is the one pushing and pulling her ex, creating chaos when things are going too well with them, because of fear of abandonment. And she’s playing damsel in distress towards me, and making up his manipulative behaviour as an excuse to get back with him. That if she really wanted him out she would just change the locks and call the police when he shows up. Or that she never really broke up, and is just saying that she’s single each time she wants some positive attention from me.

The other half thinks he is a narcissist who doesn’t accept her breaking up with him and stalks / hoovers / manipulates / her back.

She has been in at least one abusive relationship before, and has some emotional baggage like child abandonment and low self esteem. She does however also has some BPD traits like mood swings and emotional immaturity.

What you think is going on here? Is she abusing him? Is he abusing her? Are they abusing each other maybe?

I care about her, not anymore in a romantic way but more like a big brother. It would be sad if she’s in another abusive relationship.

Thanks in advance.