So I met this guy a few months ago. We met once and really hit it off. Chemistry was there in a BIG way. He's hot, funny, smart. His car wasn't running at the time - the day we met he had someone else's car. And for the following month or so, we'd talk and text and I would try to get him to come out and he'd repeatedly make excuses, one of which was, "When I get my car fixed," but I'M TELLING HIM I'LL PICK HIM UP!!!!

He's giving me excuses about his sick Mom. YES she's sick, but not so bad that she can't be alone all day that he's at work. Anyway, I got tired of what I considered mind games and told him that if/when he gets his ish together, and wanted to actually DO something, he should call me then.

Well due to the pandemic and ish I had going on I had to leave the state and retreat to take shelter with family. A week after I got here he tells me let's get together. I told him I'm 1200 miles away.

Fast forward another couple of weeks. He's hitting me up again, telling me I need to move back and we can get a place together. I can't even keep up with him. He's WEIRD. Off the beam my friend would say. There's no normal courtship ritual. I get text messages that say he needs a live-in secretary sex doll LMAO! Don't judge. He's not the psychopath he sounds like. He can't just say something normal like, "Hey, I really like you and I think this could be cool, maybe you should come down here and we'll see what happens." No. I get the secretary sex doll comment lol. I mean maybe he COULD say something normal but he also knows I appreciate the crazy ish he says.

But I know he also wants a monogamous relationship and he's been burned before. He's looking for someone to trust. "just... give me nothing to worry about so I can just come home and have you."

Now for the broken people part...

I KNOW I've got some self-work to do. I just did a paper on perfectionism, one of my problems. I'm working with a life-coach on some things. I have self-esteem issues and I KNOW I lie to myself. There are parts of myself and **** that I do that I know I want to change yet I often feel powerless to change them. Thing is, fvker sees right through it and he calls me on it and it can be exhausting and frustrating. And while he can be pretty dead-on, he has also been off and I told him that in a rather forceful way and he said, "You SEE! You can fix me!" And I'm sitting there like, "What are you talking about????" And he tells me that I can challenge him and bring it to his attention and I can help him get "recalibrated." I consider all of this Michael-speak. He also said the reason he was blowing me off was b/c he had no control of the situation without his car and no money to fix it at the time. Admitted to being in a month long panic attack sort of. My friend pointed out how dudes are hesitant to start a relationship when they don't feel they're at their best. That all makes sense NOW and I think it took a lot for him to admit to the feelings of anxiety that it was causing him even though he didn't do it THEN.

On the one hand, I think he can be amazing for me because of the way he brings to my attention the **** that I need to be mindful of - he's all about mindfulness. Metacognitive BS thinking about thoughts, ya know? I'm very good at burying my head in the sand and avoiding **** and I can see he's really not going to let me do that. He's not entirely delicate so that presents a challenge because he often makes me defensive. I'm an expert at that ****.

Besides calibration, what is he looking for? Basically fk him senseless and keep him motivated to get out there in the world to go to work and allow him to come home from work and fk me senseless again lol. Again, there's definitely more to it than that but trying to translate Michael-speak can be tough. I intuit a lot of what he says. It takes some doing to not get offended by the secretary sex doll comment and to hear the bit about keeping him motivated to get out there in the world each day. The unspoken to all of that being, "Just let me feel like a man and let me come home to you."

I know nobody can fix anyone else. And even though he said those words...TRUST ME he's not stupid. He knows I'm not going to fix him. There's this thing about helping each other.

So I guess I'm wondering if anyone can relate to what I'm saying because they experienced something similar. If anyone saw the movie Untamed Heart, I get a vibe like that. "He don't make sense. I don't make sense. Together, we make sense." I'm broken, he's broken, together we're stronger? Or are we just twice as weak?

All this DEEP talk about progressing into a relationship is new and I'm totally overthinking it but that's because I always overthink everything and I'm thinking about him too much.