I had worked with 10+ bad T’s (at least bad for me) over the course of 20 years and had totally given up on therapy as useless, harmful, BS. I didn’t want to give up on healing though. At the news that a beloved mentor would be retiring in the next year or so I snapped and the pain became unbearable. I had always held out a last ditch hope that I could get back to the state this mentor lives in and they would help me heal.
I had always worked with female T’s and given my history and fear of men it made sense. When I asked Pdoc for a referral she said she honestly could not think of anyone capable of working with me successfully (this was not an inappropriate comment and was a part of a much larger conversation). I knew I needed someone who worked with trauma and that didn’t have ties to the school out here that a majority of the T’s have graduated from.

Then I sat down and wrote about the most wonderful, healing people I have had in my life. I saw a completely different pattern. Even with my fear most of them were men, most were older but took exceptional care of their health, they were in a higher social class than I am, they were very spiritual or religious.

So then I went to an online therapist finder and found a guy that reminded me of the men I had written about. He didn’t specialize in trauma but was open to working with it. I looked at his training, CEUs, certifications and his professional web page... I was terrified. I called some female T that fit all the old patterns but did equine facilitated therapy. She never returned my call. I cried, got sick and paced for three days, my husband though I had the flu or something and kept trying to get me to the Dr. Finally I emailed that male T and then got sick. He replied the next day with a very short professional reply asking for my phone number and promising to call. I sent it and called in sick to work. When he called he sounded cold, distant and like a jerk. I scheduled the appointment but promised myself that when I met him, if I felt at all uncomfortable I didn’t have to go to his office I could leave and come home.

We have been working together for almost a year and a half now and he is pretty awesome with me. We have had a few mishaps here and there but it always works out.