I have struggled with my weight since my early teen years. I have been on a cycle of weight loss/weight gain since that time, for over twenty years. Being at home for two and a half months has made me realize some things about my patterns.

When I was a teenager, I was bullied relentlessly at school, and came home to an equally unhappy environment. I had no place where I felt safe, except for my own bedroom when my parents were either asleep or out of the house. And every time I was able to be alone in my bedroom, I would bring food. I would hide the food in my bedroom and then eat ALL of it when I had a moment to myself. Just being alone wasn't enough. I needed the comfort of the food on top of it. I would eat until I was stuffed and then just lie there, enjoying the quiet and daydreaming about being other places.

I had a ravenous appetite as a teenager and young adult, which I attribute to having been emotionally neglected, bullied, and empty. As I got a little older, I would get extremely embarrassed if others noticed the amount of food I could eat in a sitting. This became my new reason for eating alone, since I no longer had my parents around. Friends would sometimes tease me about my appetite, so I started hiding food again and eating by myself. If I had to eat in front of others, I tried to eat just a few bites so I could save the rest for later.

Now, as a middle-aged adult, if I am alone, I have to eat. Being at home alone all day is like being a teenager again, eating in secret in my bedroom. After I finish working in the early afternoon, I want to eat snack food the rest of the day. I inhale everything I can find until I'm stuffed. At night, I stay up late because I still find the dead of night to be the most comforting time of day, because no one can bother me then.

I guess I have finally realized the obvious, that I have been stuck in this loop since I was in high school. Why? I no longer suffer the abuse/trauma from that time, but I still behave like it's still happening every day. When I was a kid, eating was the only source of pleasure and enjoyment I had. And it just kept going, even past the point I needed that outlet.

I have gained about six pounds since I started working from home. I know I am doing damage to myself at this point. My pants are tighter. The GERD I have suffered for years has been much worse over the past month. My period is several days late this month, and I'm not pregnant. I need to pull myself out of this pattern, because I could be working from home permanently, and I cannot let this continue. Understanding why it's happening is helping, but stopping the behavior is another thing.

I'm sad to say that nothing in my life has ever given me the kind of satisfaction and calm that eating has. If I'm alone, I eat. If I'm bored, I eat. If I'm sad, I eat. If I'm happy, I want to celebrate with food. I am so tired of myself and so embarrassed that I'm still here, all these years later.