It's indeed very obvious that their relationship is dysfunctional and toxic. I knew that for a long time already. It's also obvious that if I don't distance myself I will get sucked in again and used as some backup to validate her feelings etc.

I know all that.

But my real question is: when do you go from "oh they are just having some dysfunctional on again off again relationship and they can't let each other go / don't know what they want"

to:

"this looks like emotional abuse and perhaps her going back again and again maybe isn't as voluntary as it looks"?

Up to now, I have indeed always shrugged and shook my head when she was "back with him" again. I wouldn't really care as I have indeed nothing to do with that, and it's her life, her choice, her drama.

This time however, when she actually told me a bit more about how he stalks her and forces himself back in the relationship (denying the breakup, breaking into her house, sending unsolicited gifts, creating guilt and personal drama, keeping some financial control over her) and shows me a big cut on her nose, I am getting worried if this is maybe not so innocent? And THAT is my real question. Am I seeing this right?

Or is that impossible to tell as long as you only hear her side of the story?

And that question is separate from if their relationship is dysfunctional (it is) or if it would be better for me to stop all contact (it is).

Thanks again for any further elobarations.