I do not have any questions that need to be answered, and I'm not looking for advice or opinion. Some of this is an update from a couple months ago. Some of this is a reflection.


Last year, I decided my relationships with others are important. I decided that I want to nurture them and put effort into them, as well as work through conflict, and communicate. It has served me very well. It is 1 of 3 goals I have set for myself and kept. I'm proud of this.


I do feel that I am navigating relationships / my friendships, so to speak, and sometimes have questions. I think this is okay and normal.


For instance, there is a person I am friends with who I posted about a couple months ago. I said he felt like a pseudo boyfriend, and I do not want him to be my boyfriend. That weekend, in particular, I was thinking I might be growing feelings for this person. A lot of people responded saying I should end the friendship (and just to clarify, I really appreciated it at the time!). I did, initially, but we stayed friends because 1. I missed him and 2. I do not have romantic or sexual feelings for him. It is true that we have an emotional connection. But he's also much older than me, and I am not attracted to him physically. I think there's also a bunch of reasons it would not work for me if we dated.


It started for me (the thought that I may "have feelings for him"), with a feeling of insecurity, that I feel when I am dating. But I think that people can feel insecure in friendships too. Though it's sort of new for me. And I can have a tendency to feel insecure and doubt myself. It's not something I like or enjoy about myself. But yeah. Maybe it's something I can change about myself.


However, I have found sometimes I need to pull away from this individual because 1. he annoys me a lot sometimes (he's a know-it-all and has too much energy) 2. my own insecurity and 3. he himself is a bit mentally unhealthy. He's not open with his feelings, has trouble being assertive, etc. That doesn't mean I don't want to be friends. But yes sometimes I do need to pull away. Currently this is one of those times. It just feels too enmeshed and close for a friendship, for me. I also end up feeling hurt when he can't give me what I need in the friendship.


My other friends, are pretty great. I talk to one female friend once a week via video chat. Another female friend is around when I need her and vice versa. My Mom is always around for me, and I do social group things here and there, which is nice, but I wish this pandemic was over so it would not have to be through Zoom and video chat.


I have another male friend who does not seem to have many friends and wants to video chat once a week with me. He was giving me guitar lessons at first, but I ended up realizing I took on too much, and put the guitar down for the time being. I enjoyed guitar, it was just too much. Another thing to have to do. Which overwhelmed me. Anyway, I haven't felt much like talking to this friend lately, and he noticed. He was hurt. I explained to him I have a lot going on, and he understood. But I'll have to see about talking this week. I don't want to. And truthfully, we would not be doing so if there were no pandemic. I don't want to lose his friendship. But I also don't want to video chat with him every week.