I've only had 2 therapists. The second one I found a little while after moving to a new area a few hours away from where I use to live and my first therapist. My second therapist "broke up with me" after I ended up not going into an eating disorder treatment program I had signed up for and then back out of over immense fear. I should have gone to it. Anyways. I don't trust. At all. So after finding the second therapist after all the time I put in looking and feeling comfortable enough to talk to her and then have her drop me after 2 years and her saying she would never abandon me....it immensely f*cking hurt. I know I need more help than 1 therapist can give, but to just drop me so suddenly truly shook my core. So I left my therapy journey at that.

Lately I've been thinking about reaching out to my first therapist. My first therapist and I didn't end on bad terms or any terms, really. She knew I was moving. She wished me well and we had a few sporadic sessions right before my move and after, but then life happened. Even when going to the second therapist I still feel like I could trust my first therapist more so than the second or even anyone else in my life. That's saying a lot since I don't trust anyone fully at all, unless you have 4 legs and fur. I haven't reached out to her. Not yet. I have an email I have saved in my drafts. I also still have her phone number, but I don't know which is better. I'm super scared to reach out. Like after all this time she won't want to talk to me or be my therapist again after knowing how stuck I still am. I have made strides in my life since then, but I'm still not where I want to be at all. I feel like a failure that doesn't deserve her help. My own shame holds me back.

I'm a hot mess.