I just re-read through my journal. I had doubts several months before we got married. At one point though, I had written that he's the best man I've ever found. When we got engaged 8 months before the wedding, I was happy and still feeling good about things. Then fights occurred during the months before, and I started having doubts. I got cold feet right before the wedding, but went through with it anyways. I've written on here that I had valid reasons despite my doubts, which I won't get into on here.

One of my closest college girlfriends told me once that I make bad decisions. Years later, I told her how much that comment hurt me - I was thinking: who the hell does she think she is? She's someone who allowed a man charged with rape to move in with her, then he proceeded to steal from her. So who makes bad decisions??????? I was SO offended by her comment at the time. We cleared that one up, but now that comment haunts me again.

Someone else told me once that there are no wrong decisions. Only learning opportunities.

I didn't go into this relationship wanting to change my partner. I got into this thinking I had met the best man I had ever known. Then over time, he revealed this other side to me of all these toxic behaviors. And now, I am trying to get him to change the behaviors. Not himself, but the behaviors.