Today’s session ended up being pretty gruelling. R started the call and asked how I am doing.

‘I don’t know how to answer that question. Thank you for your email.’

‘You’re welcome, Lost.’

I lapsed into silence before I simply said one word. ‘Weird.’

‘You feel weird?’ R then said that it sounded like I had been ‘holding on for a very long time.’ I promptly dissolved.

‘It’s OK, Lost. Let it out. I’m here. You’re safe.’

I cried for what felt like a long time, interspersed with remarks like ‘What the hell is going on?’

I composed myself, and R apologised – she felt like she might have triggered it with her phrasing.

‘I had a plan!’ I said ‘Five minutes in, and that’s out the window.’

‘You’ve been holding on to a lot of emotions for a very long time, and now they’re coming out. I’m sure there’s part of you that is going ‘What does R think?’

‘Can you help me with that part?’

‘Of course. I don’t want to say that I am glad you are crying, but we’ve been in a therapeutic relationship for over three years now, and it wasn’t until last November, I think, that you cried. I know you see it as weakness, but I think you are really brave.’

‘There’s no logic to it.’

‘Does there have to be logic to it? What is your logical question?’

‘I do have an answer to that…’

‘It’s a big question. I can leave it with you.’

‘I have an answer to it, but I am concerned that if I try to say it, I will cry.’

I said I wasn’t sure whether it was worse to be witnessed in a state, or alone in a state.

‘Usually, I try to make sure I am on my own so as not to inconvenience anybody else.’

‘Not to inconvenience anybody else? So if you were out for coffee with a friend and getting vulnerable and emotional…?’

‘That wouldn’t happen.’
‘I love that you interrupted then. We’ve been in a therapeutic relationship for a long time…three and a half years – was it December? Even though you are paying me, I still sometimes get the sense that you feel like you are inconveniencing me.’

She went on to say that she loves her lob, and it is what she has chosen to do.

‘I am going to spit this question out…’

I didn’t get further than ‘Why now?’ before I began to cry.

‘When you say ‘Why now?’ I also hear ‘Why me?’

I couldn’t do anything but nod.

‘It’s OK, Lost. I’m here, but you can forget that I’m here if you need to.’

‘So is the Critic.’

‘Kick the Critic to outer space. Far away from you…Tell the Critic to piss off. I’ll say it for you.’

‘Why now? I’ll scrap the second part of the question, and restate it as a fact. ‘Right now I feel the least resourced I have ever been, and that terrifies me.’

R cut in then, and remarked that ‘Professional Lost gets all the love. Emotional Lost just gets guilt, embarrassment and shame…but when you are dealing with these big feelings…that is when you are doing the work. Before the pandemic, you had a really emotional session due to the writing retreat. We can’t know whether you were heading down this road anyway.’

We talked about how I have this emotional side that I want to control, but R doesn’t want to use that word. She believes that it is more beneficial to understand oneself.

‘Do you feel safe to leave it there?’

‘It’s probably safer.’

‘It’s been a heavy session for you. Be kind to yourself, listen to your body. If you need to lie down, then lie down. Use self-care. You’ve done enough work for today.’

We did a closing breathing exercise based on inhaling hope and strength, and exhaling fear, shame and embarrassment.

R asked me about my plans for the rest of the day, remembering that I would usually clear the rest of the day on Thursdays. I explained that we had already been for a walk, and mentioned the Poetry Therapy workshop I am doing tomorrow. She said that she’d been doing some online training too, and found it useful in the context that it would usually be in person, but you might not be able to access it that way.

‘I hope it’s wonderful for you. Are you OK for the same time next week?’

‘Yes, thank you.’