I've said before.

I'm giving this my all for one more year....

No, for one MORE year....

For another year.....

I spilled over and gushed a bunch of stuff at her a week or so ago. I think it kind of floored her in some ways. There was a lot of evidence in my favor and she couldn't deny a lot of it.

Things have been different around here. For the first time in years, things have been different.

The big one is that I am different. I'm not scared like I was. I had a fear of losing her and of being alone. Once I took a couple of days to really confront that one, and came to the realization I'm OK, I'll survive, the fear began leaving me. Now, I'm not in as much of a hurry to "make things right", to apologize for supposed slights, or to seek affection. She's been coming to me a lot more. I've also been doing less around the house, and she's been doing more.

There are good qualities in her that I saw long ago that are still there. I want to love her for those qualities. To a degree, love IS a choice. I've been so overwhelmed by her negativity for so long that it's been hard to see those good qualities.

So.... Here for... say it with me... "one more year." But this time, I'm not giving it MY all. I'm relaxing a little and seeing what happens.

My rush to do things and look after things may be contributing to the global anxiety she feels in our home and between us. Maybe she needs less anxiety, and more of me being, just, present.

I have to break the pattern of this co-dependency, and give up my anxiety about getting everything right.

Thank you all for hearing me out. This stuff is hard to talk about even with a professional counselor, but the anonymity on here helps. Thanks for not villifying me for looking at pornography. When she found out about my usage, she found the burden too hard to carry on her own, and she talked with people close to her and I, including her best friends, family, and my family. I've been the "bad guy" to a lot of people. And you know what, I'm not a bad person.. I'm a good person who had a weakness. I wouldn't despise anyone else for the same, so I'm done hating myself.

@ARaven0137 thanks for your story. I hope you find a way for things to improve.

RDM