I haven't felt so depressed and so unstable in quite awhile. Sure, I'd have days where I didn't think I'd make it to the next day, but I've been a sheer mess for the past 3 or 4 days now.

Hopelessness, depression, SH urges...all that crap. Just not wanting to feel this pain anymore...we've all been there I think. I sleep, but not anything that's not drug induced (thank you Seroquel). Even when I lay down and try and get comfortable enough to sleep, I feel a sense of panic or uneasiness. It almost feels as though inside my body is this intense trembling, but nothing is shaking on the outside or even showing on the outside! It's a crazy feeling.

My nightmares are of my neighbor (he raped me when I was 4) and just such craziness. It's not of the abuse...but of being with him. I always have dreams where we're an item...romantically attached. I'm so ashamed for even dreaming them...but I guess that comes with the whole deal of abuse.

I feel like a mess. I can't seem to laugh or smile or anything positive right now...but I can cry as easy as I can breathe.