Hi HelloWorld95,

I can relate a bit to your experiences. ...I consider my self either borderline Aspie or actually Aspie... As in the (new) Female type of Aspergers. I self diagnosed based on a checklist I found on an as yet unofficial checklist done by Tania Ann Marshall at her Wordpress site. Sadly, she seems to have changed that checklist and I don't really know why. I still fit most of the traits she lists, but the ones she had up a year or two ago before she changed it fit me even more so .... In any case, one of the things she mentioned or Rudy Simone did, was about Aspie Girls (Aspergirls) not feeling liked, even if they may feel loved. ...This is just like what your mother actually said to you. It's tough. I have felt this from more than a few people in my family.
...I also consider my self to have Codependency issues, and Narcissistic abuse issues. ...So far, I certainly find good (better) therapy from books on this subject (I use self help books on Shame, Codependency and dealing with Narcissistic Abuse ...books like "Shame and Codepency" by Darlene Lancer, Les Carter's books on dealing with narcissists, and there are various others). I also do a meditation that combines Inner Child work with Focusing therapy. The first you can also get books on (like the art therapy book by Lucia Capacchione, that details methods to get in touch with and then reparent your "inner child") . Focusing, now suddenly popular with therapists somehow, has been around for decades and is based on curing issues by getting the person to tap into empotions as stored in their body. Somehow this helps with processing feelings. The meditation I do combines these two therapies, I believe, and also involves some sort of giving up of a problem "to angels" who "take it away" ....this might sound simplistic or ridiculous even, but I have had at least one major breakthrough precisely at this point in time of the meditation (it is an audio). You can find a version of the basic meditation on you tube and record your own based on it to listen to or follow it on youtube. ...I think this step with "the angels" is possibly like one of the 12 steps in AA, which is about surrendering to having a(n incurable) problem. At least I believe it works to possibly get a person to accept the limits to their own perception, so that they can start to open to a bigger picture of the situation that they are in, and thereby a solution at last. Otherwise we tend to unintentionally repeat the same thing.
I say all the above, not to bore you, but because the above therapies could help you with your own situation.
It is also possible that some of your family have some narcissistic traits. I think that mine do, and that (at least in my family) there is even probably a connection between narcissism and autism. ...Otherwise they could still do some work on their empathy levels. ...In lieu of their issues, you can only ever change yourself. So working on validating your own feelings ...which you don't seem to be getting from your family... and in my experience, those who act abusively rarely own up to it (sometimes they may, but usually they won't). That's also why families can mess so much with you because a part of you is like a little kid still, totally dependent on them ...yet if they don't unconditionally love you, if they abuse you... that messes with you big time.
I've had to do this with my father. And also with my family. It was VERY difficult. ...Without that meditation I mentioned, I would probably still be stuck at an earlier point, instead of having made a really great breakthrough in forgiving and moving past what my father and family did ...I can believe in my own perception of what happened and what is right, instead of needing them to validate it. ...Some people just cannot acquire the empathy for this.
I also read a lot of books on abuse, narcissism and abuse in families... I liked Alice Miller's work, eventhough it didn't offer a cure, it helped me to understand how entrenched emotional abuse is in the world at large and to understand why then people act like it is and/or was ok. And that one is not a whinger for having issues for how they were treated. Instead, parents usually repeat similar treatment that was done to them. And most people aren't emotionally intelligent enough to really call others out on it. ...This helps to validate one's individual experience... as in: Just because the group says it's this way, does not make them right.
....The latter has been a big lesson for me. One's entire family can ABSOLUTELY be dysfunctional and wrong in how they act and think and treat others. ...Mine functions similar to a cult actually! ...But I also think that this group think issue is especially an issue in one's family where there is a strong desire to be loved. ...I also got a lot from reading a particular book called "Leaving Home" by David Celani, and he details how hard it is to get away from your family mistreatment/lack of love. In particular, he emphasised that his patients' finding a surrogate parent was crucial to them moving on from issues that they had with their parents as opposed to recreating them with others or otherwise remaining literally 'stuck' at home. I appreciated the compassion he showed and the ability to see past the facade many people have to what is really going on for them. In the words of my therapist, apparently few people actually get past issues with their parents. ....I found a surrogate family at a wonderful workplace, and they basically cured my of an anxiety disorder. ...My family have played a significant part of my anxiety problems.

...Anyhow, I've said a lot. Hugs from me. You're not alone. ...oh, if looking into Codependency/Shame interests you, you can also consider Codependents Anonymous. I have been to a few meetings (before Covid) ....plenty of people who are trying to heal from rejecting parents there!! Woah. I was a little shocked in fact.