I am feeling better physically, but that has just allowed me to feel worse mentally. I tried to sleep without seroquel last night but I was still up at 11:30 so I took it. Fell asleep, but snapped awake at 4:30am. I tried to go back to sleep, but to no avail. So I got up and went in the living room as to not wake RS. My eyes felt heavy around 5:30 so I tried to go back to sleep then, but couldn’t do I got up and ate breakfast.

But I am not happy or enthusiastic. I am irritable as all hell. I am pissed off because I still can’t stop obsessing over our wedding and when RS is going to propose. I know he is, we’ve talked extensively about marriage. But it could be months from now.

He said he wanted to wait until a year and a half, at least, if not two years. A year and a half just passed. He has hinted at it; like a couple of weeks ago he said he had something planned for me back in March but coronavirus ruined it. Then when he got his stimulus check he said he was going to spend it on a present for me, but then he turned around and spent it on truck parts. So it could be months or even a year. But I just cannot get it out of my head. I’ve been obsessively planning our wedding, looking at venues, looking for dresses, looking for accessories. Trying to figure out centerpieces. I can’t stop. I’m desperate to think about something, anything else. Because I dint even know if/when we will be getting married. And I pressured him into moving in with me because I was so desperate to get out of my house so I promised him I wouldn’t pressure him into marriage.

I want to quiet my mind. I want to be calm. I want to stop the obsession. I’ve been envisioning a stop sign to calm me down but I just can’t think of anything else to think of and I can’t stop thinking. It’s infuriating.