I know how much ****** up this can sound. I don't think I even need an advice, I just need to put it down, to "talk" about it with someone because I don't really talk about these things with people I know. No one knows I'm gay, I said to two friends of mine I was bisexual years ago, even though I wasn't pretty sure about it. Then I started to understand I may be gay.

Last year I met a boy. He was really nice and smart. We shared the same interests, same hobbies. We talked about philosophy, poetry, tv series... everything. At that time I was still into a girl I fancied over for so many years (a girl I'm still not over yet). We started chatting, going out with the same group of friends. We became close. We were so happy because we could understand each other so well, we really do understand each other like no one does. After some time I started panicking because I realized he was beginning to like me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know I was gay but I was still into that girl.

We kept talking for months, after some time I tried to forget the girl I liked because she's straight and it was hurting me. I really fell for the boy. I didn't want to have a relationship with him, but I didn't want to make him go away from me anyway. So one night I kissed him. He was hurting so much because he liked me, I saw it. And I was hurting too. So I had to do something.

I started having panic attacks after that (not a first thing for me though). I felt lost and sad, but he helped me through it. He really tried to reassure me. We were happy, though, we've been happy for some time. I felt that, I remember that I can't stop crying if I think about it.

Then quarantine came, and all the deal with COVID. We were locked in our houses for months. In those months I thought, I really thought about everything. I was never straight, I was never bisexual, I was gay. But I loved him, I cared about him. And I told him.

When quarantine ended we met. We weren't happy anymore. There was a wall between us and he saw it. We talked about it and I told him about everything. I told him we were like Freddie Mercury and Mary Austin. He loved her so much, he described her as "the love of his life", the person who knew him the most, but he still wasn't truly himself with her.

But it wasn't easy, because he said that if I loved him it was enough, people happen to fall in love with people of a different gender you expected. And I agreed, I loved him, but I wasn't happy with him. I started to think again about that girl I liked, but I still think about him and I can't help but feel broken.
In anytime now I'd like to text him, send him a meme, talk about books and tv series. I miss him so much, but it's not enough, and this is tearing me apart. I also miss being in his arms, that kind of unconditional love, where he could just hug me to make me feel better. But my love? It was unconditional, of course there were conditions.

I needed to write it, I need to move on. This is my last year of high school and I can't study now, even if I should. I can't be better. I keep having panic attacks and cry myself to sleep every night. I want to get rid of this feeling I carried on for so many years. I can't be happy. I wasn't happy with him and I'm not happy even now, without him. I feel so lost.

Thank you so much for everyone that read it. I'm sorry if there are some mistakes but English isn't my first language.