Ever since this weekend I’ve been depressed to the point of feeling stuck, like I can’t move on. Even broke down and talked to the Crisis Text Line until 1:30 last night to get quick relief. Now I’m exhausted because of my further spiraling and staying up until that late hour in my own thoughts and chatting.

All began with a relatively minor argument with my mother over some incorrectly done landscaping, where she provided some criticism. In my anxious mindset I thought that if my help was not appreciated with her I would help my dad do some heavier projects on our ranch, or spend more time to myself. I made a quick apology without extra verbiage as I always try to do but instead of telling my mom right back I didn’t like the tone she was using, I made even more mistakes of using the silent treatment around her, out of anger for myself that I did something wrong, and she added fuel to the fire. Then last night the subject came up again, this time she criticized me even more over still being unhappy about this ordeal, right down to how I handled it, and now she’s being a jerk and playing games with me, pretending that I didn’t apologize to her for what I did. It’s like I’m not allowed to make mistakes.

I’m not suicidal by any means, but at this stage in my life this is a harsh reminder that I may not ever have a steady job if I can’t take criticism like this. Like I’m living a pointless life and my help and support isn’t valued anywhere And my last real job was a screw up because of some rather toxic coworkers, so that seals my sad fate.

Will I go through life never being successful (holding down a job, healthy relationships, etc)? Am I a fundamentally unlovable and hopeless person?