Hi all,

As some of you know I've been going through a mixed episode for close to 6 months now, which worsened because I didn't have access to my regular therapist for over 2 months because of covid-19, right when things were at an all-time low. After things escalated and I overdosed I ended up getting extra help from my local crisis team and getting extra meds, which helped a little, but only enough to get me from "crisis" to "really depressed." In hindsight I should have asked for the extra help way sooner. Next time I hope I will.

I thought it was starting to get better, so I tried to come off my Seroquel, but almost immediately I started to get impulsive and suicidal and extremely irritable again, to the point that I'm getting into fights with strangers (luckily only verbal so far). Needless to say I'm upping my meds again, but all this has me feeling really hopeless. I feel like there's no way to win. If I stay on my meds I can't concentrate and I'm anhedonic and unmotivated, so I can't do any of the things I love. If I try to reduce my meds, I can't function because of the depression and irritability itself. To make things worse I think I'm still feeling angry and betrayed by my therapist because of the lack of help when I was at my worst, so I can't benefit from my therapy like I usually could. I'm doing my best to salvage that relationship, but I just don't know how to recover from this episode. And I feel like even if I do recover, it will just be a matter of weeks before I get worse again because I've been unstable ever since I had kids. I want to give myself time to get better, but I can't because I have twin babies and a four year old that require attention, and I want to be responsible and take care of them like I should, not slack off and leave everything to my wife.

Long story short, I just don't see a way out of this episode and at this rate I feel like I'll never be able to be myself again and I can't really see a reason to carry on living. Any advice as to how to break the cycle and recover? My Pdoc has suggested different meds (for instance upping the lithium and trying Lamictal instead of Seroquel) but for the above reasons I'm kind of hesitant to change meds again. At least on Seroquel I know I won't get into a fight or do something else that will get me in trouble. I'm getting more exercise but the results of that have been mixed. I'd like to get enough sleep but unfortunately I'm sleeping horribly unless I'm on Seroquel. I'm even considering ECT if there's a good chance that it will get me stable long enough to really recover and get back some of my strength. However, I'm hearing really mixed stories about that and it would be great if there were a less drastic approach...

Anyway, sorry for the rant and thanks for any advice.