Thank you MsLady. I'd like to say that i'm thankful for the support. Sometimes i feel that people perhaps the globe around can support you more than your close ones. I'm very grateful.

Come to think of it, i did enjoy being the "one". I feel satisfied when i can make someone happy, be it friends or not. A fresh example is when i needed help from a friend and i wasn't so sure anyone would help, she helped and i just sent her some money to make her smile. I just felt... I thought someone would smile because of this, not that i was going to do this anymore, just wanted to feel something positive.

I can't get rid of her or her memories. She still has her things here and she asked me if she can have some time to move out, i said sure. I can't for the love of me push myself to ask her to leave faster, just as i just can't delete her from social media or her photos, i tried. I was so afraid... Another issue is that we work together, i can't change my job now (what with all of the country being on lockdown). Eitherway, we've been throughout the whole city, literally anywhere i go i have memories of us there, which is perhaps the worst thing, i just can't get a break.

I have come to a feeling of me being powerless in this situation. She's the only one that can fix herself or this all. I always said that "If you won't allow anyone to help you, no one, as hard as they would try, would be able to help you". But however controversial it might sound, i can't get rid of the feeling that it's possible. I know she's pushing me away intentionaly.

My ex apperantly found out that im single now, she said she missed me, she said she's sorry. I have no grudge on her, she's a good person but i really don't want anyone else. It's strange how i feel i've changed so much going throughout all this suffering, i don't think i can ever trust or love anyone as i did before. I hate that. I do feel like i am grieving, i've never felt so emotional, never have my breakups been so hard. It might be also that this is also the hardest moment in life. It's just saddening how low i fell. Today is the first day in the last 7 days that i've forced myself to eat. It felt horrible, i felt like vomiting.

Yesterday night i read comments of people being victims of cheating (not exactly the thing im worried), but there was so much support. People offered to talk, offered money or help finding a place to live. I felt heartwarmed, i felt that i wasn't alone with this pain, that helped. Only thing is, i woke up today to find myself ever more messed up than yesterday.