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StrawberriesNCream · 08:17 PM

Note: I am 100% aware this is not the place to get a diagnosis. I just was curious if I should seek help for this.

Trigger warning: death threats, minor violence mentions, general aggression

Long story short: 3 years after a possibly abusive relationship I take every step to avoid any possibility of seeing my ex. I have a strong, panic response to any mentions of him or things I unconsciously associate with him.

My first serious relationship was 3 years ago and it lasted about a year; it was during my final year of high school. I can’t really remember anything about the relationship. I just remember him being a very angry, violent person. This anger was never directed towards me (he’d scream at his and my family and friends, throw/break everything, scream at other students and staff until he had to be asked to go home etc.)
With the severe anxiety I have, these violent outbursts were very distressing and I ate so little during the relationship, would pick my skin and hair, etc. Because of all of this stress I broke up with him.

Possible trigger:

Afterwards he would leave me threatening letters and tell people around the school how he was going to cut me up and kill me. He also spread inappropriate pictures of me around the school and outed me as LGBT (We lived in a rural, very conservative area) every-time he saw me in the school he’d scream, get in my face and throw/break school equipment. I reported to the principle that he was threatening to kill me and despite his history of violence + psychiatric hospital stays she told me to “forget about it and just graduate.”

All of these combined, now I have such an indescribable fear of possibly seeing him or his family in public. I will avoid entire towns that I know he’s often in, I won’t go to restaurants if I know he’s eaten there and hearing songs or mentions of things he likes sends me into an extreme anxiety attack that usually lasts the rest of the day. Things I don’t even remember like “x” tv show he liked if mentioned will just flip a switch in my brain and it’s panic mode out of nowhere. It’s been 3 years and going out in public by myself is still something I really struggle to do. For the first time since graduating I saw him in public a few weeks ago and it’s been devastating. Even with a mask on he recognized me, held an awful glare and followed me around the store I was in. He was mumbling something aggressively but I couldn’t understand it. I got out as quick as I could but it was awful and I didn’t leave the house for days. I have reoccurring nightmares about him even now and it’s not at all logical, I don’t understand it.

I’m not sure what this is but recently I was talking to a friend of mine who has been diagnosed with PTSD and he suggested I consider getting help for it.