I know that 14 years old, something was quite amiss with me. That was when I was prescribed my first psychotropic medication, for anxiety (buspirone). At 15, my mental health deteriorated even more. I was experiencing extreme mental anguish, and I remember for the first time thinking that something was seriously wrong with my mental health. I remember scanning books in the library on the subject. I decided that maybe I had schizophrenia? I'm not quite sure why I picked that diagnosis. My guess is that racing thoughts confused me. That thinking was not normal. Then there's a long story that follows that. As for typical symptoms of bipolar disorder, I did experience reduced need for sleep, pressured voluminous loud speech, ranting, anger outbursts, periods of elation and some disinhibition, more anxiety, depression, and a "Star of the Show Syndrome", as I like to call it. I've had these frequently throughout my life. Perhaps a lot to criticize about my behavior, and yet it can stand out in a positive way, too.

I'm not sure if I had any bipolar symptoms before 14/15. I can say that I was a very independent, driven, and passionate child. Sometimes rebellious. I daydreamed a lot, was incredibly fearless and independent. I would dance and feel like my dance was inspired by God, and that it brought me close to God. I could dance to music that I heard only in my head. I felt capable of anything and in touch with things that I doubted other kids my age could comprehend. Some kids have heroes they see on TV. This may sound grandiose, but I remember my fantasy hero being me, but not me. She had my name, but we were a bit separate. She was the BirdDancer I strove to be. She was all powerful and greatly admired. I wanted to be her someday very much. All of this likely started as young as maybe 6, 7 or 8 years old. Whether or not that was bipolar disorder then, I don't know.

There were times in my life when I thought I became that "great" BirdDancer. Other times, I felt that I fell short. Expectations for myself were always very high. When I didn't meet them, it really hurt.