Today’s session ended up being a lesson in surrender. R started the call and remarked that this was the first week she hadn’t had an email from me since we began working remotely.
‘It’s interesting that you mentioned it first…that was something I had planned to talk about. That was solely because I could not find the words.’

‘Not because the need wasn’t there, but almost the opposite.’ I then began to cry. R reassured me and urged me to let it out, as I tried to keep myself from losing composure completely.

I began to speak in between waves of crying – ‘Oh for ****’s sake. This is not the point…I had a plan….This is what I was afraid of.’

‘This is what you were afraid of?’

‘Breaking down in session again…I had a plan.’

R remarked that I had a plan for the previous two sessions as well…’but it is OK to turn up to session and not know how it is going to go. It’s OK to say ‘This is my time with R, and I can use it for this…’ or just see where it goes.’

I explained that I had made notes, but I had also written in my journal yesterday, and that was what I wanted to read. I only got through the first paragraph before I felt myself begin to well up.

‘There’s a line here that I don’t feel able to read out loud. It may make its way into an email at some point.’ As I struggled, R noted that she was keenly aware of the lack of opportunity for me to hand her the piece of paper. If I wanted to read something and anticipated that it would be difficult, she confirmed that I could send it beforehand.

R confirmed that it was OK for me to email, and then apologised because she needed to let the cat decide what she wanted to do – in or out. During the pause, I was able to find Gallery View and hide my self view.
I explained this to R afterwards, and she thanked me for bringing up something she had not thought about. ‘Is that something you have done before?’

‘I have only just worked out how to do it.’

I explained the process, and then recognised that I was trying to avoid feelings, so returned to what I had been reading.
‘I can be vulnerable, but there is a cost, and I have to live with myself afterwards. This next part feels even more true –“I don’t know what it was that allowed me to release all that emotion, but in the days that followed, I felt embarrassed, ashamed, guilty and incredibly lonely.’ I gave way again at that point.
‘Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is surrender to it. I know it feels like weakness, I know it causes you physical pain, but this does not define you.’
‘I have never felt defeated before.’
‘Defeated? Does that imply that you have been fighting something, or that you don’t feel able to fight it?’
‘It’s daft for me to try and gather myself between waves.’
‘Your emotions are flowing and you are trying to stop them. If you need to cry for half an hour, go with it.’
‘I have never had three vulnerable sessions in a row.’ R shook her head.

‘Can you ask a question or something?’

R then shared that ‘Although this is the longest we haven’t seen one another physically since the start of our therapeutic relationship, I have never felt more connected to you, or experienced you in such a real way.’

I responded that ‘I don’t even know what to do with that…It’s on my other piece of paper , but the gist of it is…even though we now live in a world where people wear masks for their safety, the spaces where I can take mine off metaphorically are becoming fewer and further between.’ I began to cry again as R tried to move me closer.
‘It’s like you are crying a lifetime of unspent (?) tears. Everybody’s world has become very small at the moment.’

She offered that we could do some breathing exercises as we came to the end of the session. We focused on inhaling Confidence (which was green for me) and exhaling Fear (brown).

Rather than breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth, R invited me to try both through the nose.

‘If you can get used to it, it can be very relaxing.’ We also worked on my shoulders.

‘Sometimes,’ R said ‘My yoga teacher says we have to teach our shoulders where they should sit.’

R had mentioned earlier in the session that she had thought about checking in with me when she didn’t hear from me, so I asked her whether she could do that before we next speak.

‘Of course – well done for asking.’