Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes
How about having people around you that genuinely respect your "feelings"? From what you share, it sounds like you are with someone that needs a lot of attention and praise and validation and when you have your own emotional needs, you don't get any of your own needs heard. The reason I used the Well analogy is because people pleasers and codependents tend to be trained to lug buckets to the pretty little charming Well, and they don't recognize how the Well is actually very shallow so when they get tired and thirsty and need from that Well, there is isn't enough depth to it that can can fill you when YOU need it. All the pretty little Well does is "superficial petting" as you continue to lug buckets to it so it doesn't dry up due to it being so shallow.
The shallow Well is happiest when it gets to be the center of attention where a lot of people are lugging buckets to it. So, the best place to get that is in an environment where there tends to be a lot of codependents and people pleasers or victims. Honestly, anyone can get sucked into servicing a shallow Well. They get very good in their "petting skills".
When I sat and listened to that talk the other day, I began to think about what kind of rejection I am suffering from. I have definitely been traumatized and "emotionally abused" by an extremely TOXIC person. What I realized about what got me more when it came to rejection is in my effort to reach out for help is I tended to get answers of "just ignore and comments that downplayed the abuse like it can't be THAT BAD". The one thing abusers don't like is "truth". Truth is not important, POWER and CONTROL is what's important to an abuser.
I think you are at a point in your relationship where you need to step back and really think about if "your needs" are important too in your relationship. Is your relationship always about servicing your wife's emotional needs? Sometimes, that dynamic happens in a relationship. Sometimes in a relationship one person is just plain shallow and the other person is doing all the lugging of buckets. It's also important to make sure you are not expecting your partner to fix whatever created your ptsd challenge too. Stepping back and thinking about what in you is feeling "rejection", can help you better define what "hurts" you and if it's something you need to fix yourself. What is it that you want "heard"?
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Yes, I agree. I do need people around me that respect and validate my feelings. Unfortunately, my wife is not one of them. But I do get it here. So thank you. I really appreciate it. I mourn the loss of a friend who can listen. That is my wife. But I find it now with friends, family, therapist, etc. They keep me feeling balanced.
What would make me feel heard? A good question. One I wish my wife would ask with genuine interest and no judgement. So here is my answer. I would feel heard if I could say to her without interruption, "I feel disregarded when you xyz. It hurts my feelings" But I would truly truly feel heard if she responded with, "I hear that you don't like it when I xyz. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings. That was not my intention. If it's important to you, it's important to me. I will work on not doing xyz." Then, I would be in absolute heaven if she would own her behavior without any blame shifting, regardless of whether or not she beleives it to be poor behavior, attempted to change it, and when she failed, to apologize.
This is what I do for her. I validate feelings and the behavior that she finds offensive. Whether or not I agree, I own it fully. I attempt to change, and when I fail, I apologize. For instance, she is very sensitive to feeling left out. If I do anything to imply that I left her out, she is offended. Personally, I could care less. People are busy, they forget to include you from time to time. No big deal. Not my issue at all. But I go out of my way to make sure she is included in every bloody detail of every event of every day. Why? Because I value her feelings. The other day I was taking orders for lunch and after I got the kids, I opened the car door and said, I'll be right back. She said, hey what about me? I said, oh sorry, what would you like? When I got back to the car, I apologized and told her, I know that being left out is a big deal to you.
Again, not a big deal to me. I would have just laughed to make her feel better if she forgot to take my order.
So it's validation, ownership, apologies.
I know being jealous and overly sensitive to her interactions with single men is my "big deal" issue. But to just stonewall me on it from day one and never own one single accusation? About a year ago, we were in fight and I blurted out, "Have you ever done anything wrong in our relationship?" She had no answer. I am at the point where I think she really beleives this is true.
Recently when trying to pry an opinion out of me on a home improvement project she said "Come on, this is one area where you do know what you are talking about". It gave me a glimpse of her mentality. I think she truly beleives that when it comes to relationships, marriage, parenthood, and most other issues, she knows best. So how could she ever be wrong? How could she ever say her behavior was harmful to me? How would I know? She is the expert on relationships supposedly.