I guess that's the lesson I am supposed to learn that I have not learned yet -- ie, to listen to my GUT. I should have called off the wedding when I was having serious doubts. I wrote in my journal at the time that I was already committed to it, and I had already put down half the money. But really I couldn't face another broken engagement. And if I am to be perfectly honest, I wanted revenge on an ex. But I don't want to get flogged for that, please. I just did. I was full of anger and rage towards my ex. So it's all my own fault. I saw the red flags, I had a bad gut feeling, I saw the abusive side of him, and I got married despite all of this.

IF there is a God (and now I don't know if I believe in a higher power anymore), I think the lesson I'm supposed to learn is to follow my GUT. I feel this was yet another test to see if I could finally learn the lesson I am meant to learn in this lifetime. DISCERNMENT and FOLLOW YOUR GUT. Dammit. So I failed yet again at this. It makes me SO angry.

I am trying HARD not to feel regretful, but it's really really hard.

A very SMALL part of me wonders if couples therapy really would help, but the larger part of me feels it's all hopeless, that the issues are too deep and too big, that there are far too many issues I have with him, and that this will never ever work.

But again, I am not pulling the plug now or during this pandemic. I don't know how things will unfold from here. It's very possible we will go to couples therapy before the plug is pulled. I definitely don't want to walk away with regrets either. I think his ex wife has regrets, as she still contacts him from time to time and asks him to fix her her damned TV.