Hello schizoloner: I believe this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central.

At the end of your post you wrote you need some guidance. Unfortunately I think the only guidance I would be able to offer you would be to find a psychologist or mental health therapist you can work with if you're not already doing so.

Many years ago I had some of the same types of school experiences you describe in your post. And I also find myself struggling with thoughts similar to yours. I've also made 2 major attempts on my own life & done some of the same self-harming things you mentioned. But despite that, I don't think I would know what to tell you as far as how to get beyond feeling the way you do. (Perhaps other PC members will have some insights they can offer.)

Anyway... thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.