So yeah, basically I am saying your mind is like a 50 car pileup on the freeway or all of the chemistry class data not computing and you have to find a way to make sense out of what happened to you... You need new programming. A system upgrade because just coping is no longer working. Once you find a system to process it that works, your flow can return and you can get back to greater balance. It is intermittent change through trial and error. Progress over perfection.

'The porblem was that they were trying to make me learn it in a way to which my brain does not relate or respond. Once I started drawing pictures and images for myself and taping them all over my walls, chemistry was easy as pie and a joy. I need to find that same kind of solution here. Something that works given the way my brain is currently functioning'

^^^^^ This sounds like as good of a system as any to process trauma and mental blocks. Maybe apply it somehow to mental health. So maybe each fear becomes a picture of how you percieve it to look and feel chemically... What are the bonds like and what is the structure of it like? What kind of metaphorical chemical reaction do you need to shift it? Make yourself a formula for dealing with each type of psychotic situation and plaster it on your wall. If it comes from your base, figure out a thought and emotion formula that is acid so you can neutralize it. If it is an unstable isotope, metaphorically stabilize it. Whatever. OR try something wildly different. Get wierd with it.

I think the problem may be you haven't found the system that works for how your brain thinks and feels. That was my issue. I expected meds and traditional therapy to work. They did not. Maybe it was because I couldn't fully trust or maybe I felt they did not understand me. Maybe it was because I am not a psychology expert and applied the concepts wrong. Regardless, I needed something custom that was built just for me.

I needed something that made sense to my spiritual side and worked with my analytical processing. I needed something that could honor all of the roles I played in my life. I needed something that made sense out of the crazy dreams I was having. I needed something that worked with music and all of the songs constantly in my head. I also needed to blend all of that with what psychology scholars had to say about the conscious and subconscious mind.

So I basically looked at all of my requirements and then designed a custom strategy to address them. I went at it holistically considering the spirit, soul, mind, emotions and body. I used the roles I know well. Strategy, business, technology, etc.

I percieve that my therapist doesn't fully get what I'm doing and I don't expect it to make sense to anyone else. How am I gonna integrate crazy any other way than be willing to meet it and get a little crazy? My formula for balance in any moment is unique to me. This is what I mean by only you know.