I'm extremely content right now. Some things are bad - But I feel grateful to be alive. I'll try to be more optimistic. On a lower dose of Invega, I don't listen to my positive thoughts or my conscience - They all drowned out. I listen to the bad thoughts instead.

It's weird how aware I've become this year. I'm on the same page as everyone else. It wouldn't be like that if I didn't trip.

It's daylight... I'm gonna try and do some things to feel a sense of accomplishment.. Maybe read idk.. I've been organizing a lot of things.

I do feel scared - Like I'm surviving. I feel the love and feel bad for having such mental episodes over the past few months.

I feel a little zombified from the antipsychotics - Like I don't have the creativity and genius thoughts. It's just calmness - And people wouldn't understand.. Like I can't speak. I'm trapped in a lack of understanding about myself and the world so it gives me a bit of anxiety. I care too much about what other people think - Cuz I don't have it all figured out.

But one day at a time. I have time my dad says. I don't have to figure it all out at once.

I'm gonna plan to talk to my therapist and make a psychiatrist appointment. I'm afraid that my meds will be changed cuz some are controlled substances. I get comfort for managing my meds cuz my mom could easily be controlling my treatment - But I have good insight and not treatment resistant. My meds work really well.

I notice that I need the Invega after being psychotic. I just needed to know and have proof - It will work for now. Might take antipsychotics until age 25-30.

I'm scared about getting a job. People want me to work full time and I just want to work part time. I'm growing a lot by working on myself while not working. I have a good sense of where I am in society and want to really be independent but not a job that drains my soul for the rest of my life. The bad and good things keep me surviving. There's a problem to be solved but also experienced at the same time.