thanks everyone. i'm starting to feel a little better. what happened is after years of no contact i forgot how controlling & belittling he was and how he always had to have his way and belittle me & others to be in control of the house. he criticized all of my goals so he could feel good about himself and i felt stupid, and also like i couldn't do anything, like i couldn't get away from him. i remembered how scary he was. you can never win an argument with him, he is always looking for your weak spot. i know it doesn't sound like much but it was very upsetting to me. growing up everything was a power struggle. i'm starting to think he is a narcissist.

i cut and binged and feel ashamed for attempting to have goals. but after about a week i am pushing him back away. he is irrelevant and i'll continue as i was.