We had a nice weekend together, aside from another joke at my expense and some tension around finances. But we did have a nice weekend.

I feel overwhelmed by all of this, and I feel overwhelmed by an immense sadness. We're still in a pandemic, it's only a year into our marriage, and getting out of the marriage would be a total nightmare that I am not ready or prepared to take on.

I am not emotionally or mentally prepared for this. Life has been SO stressful in SO many ways, this would be yet another stress to add onto the pile, and a HUGE one at that. It's an upheaval of my entire life, not to mention it will impact my social life too. We share a social circle, so how will that work? I don't even know. And telling my family? And all of my friends? I am scared... I am not ready for any of it.

I am meeting with my therapist now once per week to work through these issues -- we've focused on my marriage for the last 3 weeks.

I am in a state of limbo and am not ready to pull the plug. A part of me thinks couples therapy would be worthwhile to try first. As I mentioned, our agreement was we will go IF he yells at me one more time and loses his temper.

And overall, we had a nice weekend together. When that happens, it gives me hope and hooks me back in, keeping me in a state of limbo.