One of the things I have been thinking about lately is that maybe part of the frustration is due to experiencing a relationship with someone who tends to need to "control" their availablity to "my" needs too much.

Some people interact in ways where THEY need to control too much. That tends to come out as often knowing you like XYZ, but only giving you XYZ when THEY want rather than respecting your needs in a more consistent way. This can lead to feeling you are at their mercy more instead of having the feeling of consistent mutual respect.

So, you have a nice day hiking with your wife, was that because SHE had a nice day and things ended up ok? Sometimes that's the glitch that tends to produce this feeling you are having that you have not quite identified yet.

In other words, do good connections ONLY happen when SHE decides it's ok? That can trigger when that dynamic took place in one's childhood where fun/good/positive things happened only when a parent decided they can happen.

I am also thinking about "well, things went ok and we had good sex last night" and yet, wasn't that UP TO HER and you don't know WHEN you can have that happen again?