Yeah, I feel the same way. I'm not quite sure what my dysfunction is. I will have periods of time where I'm doing just fine. Sometimes, I just feel empty and incapable of dealing with other people. I definitely have some sexual dysfunction. Maybe I use it as coping mechanism. Having sex with people is an easy way to feel connected to people. Relationships are hard for me.

I say that and I've been married for 18 years now. I screwed up pretty hard core about 3 years ago. I went through a pretty bad depression and then after that I turned into a total nympho. I had a bunch of affairs. It really was quite awful overall and I can never do that again.

The problem is I still have urges to do life wrecking stuff. This happens to me when I feel spent or empty. I've been good for 3 years, meaning no cheating, but I still feel like I'm struggling internally and hiding it because I don't want my husband to worry or start distrusting me again. My biggest fear is that I'll get out of control again. It seems like my whole life is so long to try to reign myself in. I want people to trust me, but I am struggling with being able to trust myself.

I think about maybe seeming a psychologist sometimes. I was going to once and then the place I was referred to closed up shop. Now we've got this can pandemic bs and nobody will meet with you in person. I'll want to, but then I'll think my problem isn't bad enough to warrant it. I also don't want to be prescribed anything. I'm afraid whatever they give me is not going to work and might give me other health problems. Another thing is I don't want to hear I've got some problem they don't have any good treatments for because that would make me feel pretty hopeless. I sort of cycle through all those thoughts and I basically decide to take no action because I'm not sure.

Last couple of days I just haven't felt up to doing anything. Saturday I played some games online with friends over a web conference and I got super smashed. Vomitted, fell off a bed, and I don't even know what else. Now I'm embarrassed about that and I just want to retreat. I put a lot of effort into trying to connect with people, but I get disappointed so easily and I just want to give up.