I go from being a lifelong introvert (I think) to being an extrovert, when my euphoric "moods" hit me. I thought the extroverted behavior and the euphoria were only a defense against the impending depression which I knew would always arrive. Now I really wonder.

Could I be a BP-II?. I have no BP diagnosis so far, probably because I have never seen a pdoc and never discussed these symptoms. I have only told my internist about my depression and received SSRIs from him, which make the depression manageable, but just. I would like to brush my teeth on a daily basis, for a change. And it might be a good idea for me to stop hitchhiking when I'm into my happy moods.

In the distant past it's true that I self-medicated and engaged in risky behavior. Suicide did seem an option when I was at the very bottom of a few very bad cycles --- and totally unmedicated. I would get ADs and take them until I felt better, then stop. Now I follow medical advice, however.

These days I have no intention of giving up my meds for depression. There is always the unfortunate possibility, however, that the ADs have thrown me into hypomania, because I never had these extremely extroverted behaviors before except at certain times. Now I connect those times in the past with when I was taking ADs.

This was my previous thinking --- that I have a depressive personality, and that I am a very introverted and reserved person. At the time I am convinced that is my "real" personality.

When the euphoria arrives, however, I believe that my "real" personality is extroverted, talkative, assertive, even directive, and very open.

This is EXTREMELY stressful to me. I want it to stop. I feel I am becoming a fragmented person. It takes so much energy to deal with the changes in myself --- that I am at the mercy of them. I cannot wake up to alarms. I cannot keep appointments. I cannot plan ahead.

I don't believe I dissociate, however, because I still know what I'm doing and I'm aware I'm the same person. I remember what happened no matter which personality I am under the influence of at the time. It just doesn't seem that these two so very different people could co-exist.

Adieu