Quote:
Originally Posted by guy1111
I have a glaring regret with my partner. I saw it about 3 months into dating once the pink cloud wore off. I remember the exact moment that I mentally recognized that this relationship isn't going to work and I consciously decided to go ahead anyways. It has been a burden ever since. Right before I proposed we had an argument about that very issue. I still went ahead. Now, 3 years later I still struggle with it. Nobody is perfect.
Someone said earlier they would never marry someone who wasn't financially on the same level as them. That is not a concept I even thought of. I just assumed that finances would work themselves out. I dated someone that was financially out of my league once. I started falling for her, then she left me for that exact reason. I thought it was shallow of her because we were very compatible otherwise, but now I see that some people just have different deal breakers.
I don't struggle with finances, and I am by no means rich and my spouse makes less than half what I do and we struggle to make ends meet. My secret is gratitude. I learned that financial struggles are not a result of poor financial decisions. I make those all the time! I struggle financially when I start to compare myself to others, or when I resent my partner for spending too much or not contributing enough or not being gratefull to me when I spend money on her. I struggle financially when I tie my hapiness to money. If I get a letter in the mail that says I have a parking ticket that is overdue and is now $400, I tell my partner I made a big mistake. Then we talk about it and start to figure out where we are going to find the money. I don't beat myself up. I made a mistake! Everyone does!
Needless to say I struggle very hard with other issues that people blow off as no big deal, or even think I'm crazy for struggling with. Just thinking about them makes me want to cry.
We all make mistakes and live with the consequences. I hope you find peace! You are among friends here!
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Awwww..... thanks so much.
I do beat myself up over perceived mistakes. And I, like you, moved ahead with the marriage despite what I saw and felt.
I didn't think of the finances that much. I, too, thought (I think) that it would just work itself out somehow. My husband made a lot more money when we first got together. It didn't really become a problem for me until months and months down the road.
I tend to look at the person, rather than the logistics. I wasn't using logic though. I was following my heart. And my heart wanted to get married.
I will admit that I was tired of being single and I was very tired of the dating scene. I had written in my journal that it was time for me to settle down. This. is about the time that I was "settling" for less than what I truly wanted and needed.
Gratitude? Yes. Agreed. I live my life in gratitude as well.
But the consequences of my decision are deep, they are very real and they are problematic.
We all can say we have 20/20 hindsight after the fact, and perhaps I wouldn't have made that decision to marry had I known what it was really going to be like.
I cannot keep kicking myself for having made a mistake though.
I think it will take couples therapy for this to ever truly work OR for me to decide to pull the plug and divorce.
I know you're currently struggling too. I wish you peace as well. Sometimes we just have to muddle our way through until we can find clarity and a decision.