Comments are OK. It had been 9 months since I'd last contacted him, and I hadn't really intended to contact him again. It was just the buildup of stress and sadness from the pandemic and then the protests that led me to write him. I also reached out to some old friends who I hadn't talked to in a while over the past couple weeks. Dr. T thinks it's just something I do when I get really distressed, like I go down a list (including more current friends, H, and Dr. T), and ex-MC is pretty far down the list right now, but this time I got to him.

I do wonder if I may have subconsciously wanted him to tell me to not contact him again (even though it would have hurt), so that I could take him off that list (because I'd follow the rules). Because it's hard for me to completely delete him myself. But Dr. T said he thought the 9 months was an accomplishment, that I probably wouldn't have believed 2 years ago (right after we terminated with him) that I'd be able to do that on my own. (And that last time I'd reached out to him, last September, was when I'd had a big rupture with Dr. T, so he wasn't an option at that time--I did seek out another T to consult with, two actually.)

So, yeah, a goal is just to not contact him again.