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Sulu said:
How do I confront him without him feeling ashamed, mortified, etc.?

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When I read this my first thought was, Shouldn't he feel ashamed? Not for being gay, but for his treatment of you.

I can definitely see why you are so concerned about how you handle this situation. Of course, Perna's comment about secrets is valid. I think an open discussion is necessary. I heart goes out to you and your children.