Oh, it is just beyond fascinating, BirdDancer, I agree. i have not really shared this before, but, when I was at my worst in the 2006-7 time frame, with bad, treatment-resistant depression, I became beyond desperate. I knew I was going to die if I did not do something dramatic.

I did a ton of research. Called some researchers I knew at the NIMH. They were working on the first ketamine studies--they had not published any of it yet. I found an experimental drug being used by some desperate people, not really being used here. I managed to get some. I had to play with it a bit, but it soon became clear it was a total miracle for my depression. Within an hour, usually, it was completely and totally gone. Would stay that way almost all day. Unbelievable. Miracle, just like ketamine for some folks.

Very long story. But, as with all things in life, nothing is free, It soon became clear that it was very difficult to figure out how to dose it. Right amount, miracle. Little too much, instant mania. Way too much, psychosis and more. Akathesia, etc.

I had to stop it, because it was not possible to figure out how to dial it in right every time. The dose needed to change from day to day, which was impossible for me ever to figure out. Too many side effects. High blood pressure, so on. I was absolutely heartbroken to give it up.

Why share this? Because I think it speaks to just what you were saying. This illness has these very different symptom complexes. What causes those? Is it the same thing. the same molecular problems? One drug can cure depression instantly, occasionally, or cause mania or cause psychosis. What does this mean?

No idea at all. But I do think it just speaks to the fact that we are in infancy in understanding how to treat this illness. We are almost totally clueless. Sadly.