i get an award for loserdom

i am finishing off my final paper ever.. as of tomorrow @5pm i will no longer be a student

this means big changes and i dont know if i am ready for that. i won't have any structure. i can't take a "regular" job until i am established as most fellow grads are doing. i cant because im too much of a cripple. Last year my summer retail job was causing my ribs ti sublux(fancy schmancy for moving out of socket).

i cant stand too long.. walk around too long.. or even sit too long. i almost fell 3x this week again

%#@&#!

and T is away.. so my first week tossed out into the cold, structureless world and no supports. i miss him terribly.. even though i have been struggling with feeling disconnected from him recently. i dont know what or why, i just dont feel connected and i dont know what to do about it. But it hurts, and i miss him... i just want him to care about me, and not run away emotionally. He said he wasn't withdrawing from me emotionally.

i have been thinking of starting my own business.. seasonal, hire some students or something to do the actual physical working. i've got some decent contacts to help me and maybe funding options. i'm working on getting mental health supports in place too, outside of T i mean.

i have come a long way... i got dx'd in january of '97 having been crazy for a while. Due to other medical issues i was pretty housebound for months and months. Had to go on assistence for a while. i floundered around sometimes, other times i was able to work and do ok.. it always ended in depression and me leaving before things got bad. My job last year was the first in 6 years. A few yrs ago i wouldn't leave the house or answer the phone.. that went on for a year. When i came here for school.. well, most thought i'd drop out after a while.. figured i'd give up.But i didnt give up. i won scholarships, awards and high recommendations from artists and profs i respect.

i should feel good about that.. i *know* its good stuff, but it feels empty. im not even going to my own graduation. i cant deal with it. no one is coming to go with me anyway. no family or friends or anyone. im such a loser.

i am afraid now.. of falling on my face

there isnt a lot of congrats going on... whoopee, fluff is finshed her degree.. having commuted an hour each way everyday for 3 out of 4 years... cried in my car everyday on the way home and sat feeling sick in the driveway.. knowing what was facing me when i went home.. i clawed my way through.. but whoopee

this week is going to be a battle, and then back to my T.. who feels a million miles away even though i will be 4feet away.

i just want to curl up in a dark place and never come out. My meds have brought on intense mood swings. Obviously today i am down, all week i had been hypomanic.. flirtatious(sp?) saying highly sexualized things to people i dont know, blurting out stuff i dont even want to remember.. unable to shut up.. thursday i wasnt able to focus on a thought long enough to make a schedule with T. 4months of crazy left to go.