Trigger Warning - SI

Yesterday I saw my T and surprised myself by how suicidal I have become. My T and I agree that I am not depressed, or in any other kind of mental illness episode. My issues are existential. Being so crippled mentally and physically by an illness no one knows how to treat, and that may last the rest of my life is pushing me to the bring. The main issue is I feel so useless. I am forced to rely on others and be unable to give in return, or just for the sake of it. The only reason I continue to exist is because the impact ending my life would have on my loved ones, especially my nieces and nephews.

My T was so concerned he contacted me 2 hours after our session. I was with my ex-husband (who is still my best friend) and enjoying it so my T was satisfied I would be ok. I told him I am no longer afraid of death and would welcome an accidental death or terminal illness. I don't want to die. No, I want a life worth living. A life where I have the capacity to help others, and do things I love. Feeling trapped and controlled by an invisible illness is triggering my PTSD too. It makes me want to rebel and rage, but I don't have the energy and would only hurt myself more in the end. So I rack my foggy brain for ideas to give my life purpose. For things I can do with my very limited capacity. So far I have come up empty.

For now I am trying to live in the present moment and grab onto all the fleeting moments of joy I find. I also seek consolation in philosophy. Today and tomorrow I will rest as much as possible in hope that I am able to drive to see my sister and kids on Saturday. Staying in the present moment helps keep me calm. 'Now' is all any of us really have.