Today’s session was a record breaking fourth outing for Soluble Lost. R started the call and apologised that she forgot about the check in.

‘That’s no problem. It’s been a weird week.’ I explained that I felt like there was some context missing from last session, and R reaffirmed that she does not need context. I explained about having to talk about the online workshops in the board meeting, and feeling like I couldn’t say as much as I wanted because I felt I may cry.

‘In other words, you couldn’t be Professional Lost?’
‘Exactly.’

‘And..correct me if I am wrong – Professional Lost is where you get a lot of your self worth?’

‘That makes so much sense. I am bristling because it is true.’

‘I have been clinging…’ I tried again. ‘I have been clinging to the idea that…’

‘I can see you trying to hold it together. You don’t have to.’ I began to cry, and R urged me not to fight it…don’t try to explain ‘Just be in the moment.’

I tried to compose myself, and R zoned in on the thing I found difficult to say.

‘You said you had been clinging to the idea that…’

‘I had been clinging to the idea that I would be back to work, at work, in September. I knew from the board meeting that was unlikely to be the case, but we had a meeting after the workshop on Saturday when it was confirmed. It made me angry.’

R asked what made me angry, and I explained about the reasoning.

‘I feel so lost.’

‘I hear your ‘lost’, and I also want to add the word loss in there.’ I began to cry again, and when I composed myself, R urged me to ‘Breathe out that shame.’

‘How do you know that is what I am feeling?’

‘We have worked together for a while. I have to be careful about it, but with you I feel confident in naming that emotion and calling it out.’

We had a conversation about me relying on external things for my sense of self-worth and stability.

‘I felt as though I was building something…’

R said it sounded as though I am in survival mode. I said we would have to pick that up next week. ‘This is so similar to early grief…’

We did whole body focused breathing exercises, during which R had technical issues and disappeared, but did not notice because she had her eyes closed.

‘That isn’t the first time I’ve been doing breathing exercises and the person facilitating has disappeared.’
I burped and apologised.

‘I didn’t see what happened.’

We had a laugh about the time I burped in response to the question ‘How are you?’

‘We’ve had some hilarious moments in our sessions.’

We have a session next week, and then a break until the 2nd of July.