Eight months later, and there's no change.

I waste money on my car because I have no girlfriend, no friends irl around me. I am literally preparing to spend tens of thousands on my car because I just...don't give a **** about my health. I have my car and my dog. Hard to care about one's health when one is an island unto himself. And yeah, I'm an island. I have two points of contact: my mother and my boss. I work, I come home, I go to bed (never mind that it's 2pm) because there's nothing else to do. Meanwhile, laundry piles up, I have paperwork all over my light table, and I'm again losing interest in hobbies.

I've also been performing some psychic surgery of my own with the use of LSD and DMT. LSD has very potent pharmacological and therapeutic value, except I'm missing the therapist present to walk me through the trip and thus, I'm having to do it on my own. Just grit my teeth and dive inward to examine my soul. The thing about LSD is this (and this is how you can tell when someone is lying about taking it): LSD doesn't make you see what is not there. It makes you see what is there in excruciating detail, and if you look inward, you're going to have your illusions about yourself stripped away. I actually wrote a poem about it, and I think I'll post it in the poetry sub-forum. I just seek to carve away that about myself which I cannot live with.

My stomach is killing me from this ulcer. Been this way for days, now. It's like a ball of hot lead that is always there. I get no relief. Even tums don't help anymore. And I'm getting more paranoid. I can't help but feel I'm doing some kind of irreparable harm by not eating, but I'm not hungry, and eating makes me nauseous. I've woken up numerous nights and vomited from anxiety--out of a dead sleep.

I'm going to be alone the rest of my life, I think, and that is intolerable and I refuse to live in that Pattern. Unfortunately, there's only one way to break a Pattern, and it's rather permanent...so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Literally. Smh...