I am so very sorry you are dealing with this incredibly painful situation, M. I have been through something quite similar. What I realize in retrospect is that, when she refused to do couples' therapy, that was a sign that she just was gone. I should have just divorced her then. It would have saved a ton of misery for me. I was denying reality.

I am 56 and have had two long-term (more than 10 years each) marriages/partnerships. What I have concluded from that experience is that there are not very many people at this point in American history who, when they stand up and say "...forever...", they actually, really do mean that. What most people mean to say is, "...I will be with you for as long as I choose to be with you..."

People are inherently unreliable and fickle, in myr experience. Others have had very different experiences, I am quite sure, but this has certainly been mine.

So, what I am saying is, this really is not about you at all. It is about him and his inability to maintain a commitment made long ago over time. It is really the rule, not the exception.

While there were many bad things about the era, I really should have been born in around 1930 or so. I have much more in common with the values of those in their 80s now than I do with anyone in my age group. In those days, people who married in the 1950s, a whole ton of those people, they meant it. They stayed come hell or high water. Forever meant forever. People do not really mean that in our age group, at least, this has been what my life has taught me.

Love and support to you. You can get through this. But I receommend against chasing him around. I suspect that is the road to nowhere.