Thanks NP, a few weeks ago I called my marriage toxic in session and that was when T said that he had been uncomfortable with the relationship for a long time but needed to wait to say anything until he was sure we had a strong enough relationship. I get there needing to be a strong therapeutic relationship before discussing a toxic marriage but where we are now was not what I was thinking! T does know that H got physical with me twice which caught me off guard but after those two times I have defended myself. H gets violent when he feels threatened in a very specific way (not justifying but it does make it easier than men like my mother dated who were random time bombs) so I can pretty easily avoid that. H is also the typical bully. Once I fought back the first time he was more hesitant, after the second time he has not tried it again. So, I can see having a safety plan which I wanted T’s help with (nothing new to me having grown up in abuse and worked for child services). I have safety resources in place (a “go” bag) along with two safe houses to go to (granted, they are both 15hr drives but...)
I kinda feel like T is saying that until I leave we cannot work on any other goals. That seems stupid to me. Part of my not being able to get out connects to my trauma history. IMO the more we address that (while I am simultaneously working towards leaving) the better suited I will be to leave in a way that doesn’t put me in some other kind of danger. Just walking out without a job and housing seems I’ll advised to me. My resources are limited and will not last long. I have been homeless before, I am not afraid to be homeless again but it is very expensive and hard to pull yourself back up out of. I’d rather avoid it. T’s counter was that “more than any other person I have ever met Omers, you can endure anything forever and I am afraid you’ll never leave”. Ok, fair point. But... moving to every other week sessions to reserve financial resources until I can leave seems counter intuitive to me... my feeling like the one person I have to talk to is pulling away doesn’t help. I have no one in the state that I can talk to for “free”... no real friends. The closest is a lady (V) working retail that keeps tabs on me... but for us to talk I have to be buying something in the store (not by her standards but she is there to work and if we are just chatting her boss gets upset) or I can go to the diner and talk to the waitress there (P) but I have to order something. That’s it. No neighbors talk to me and I have no friends here. I did have one gentleman that I did not know super well but well enough that if I were in trouble any time of the day/night I would feel safe going to his house. He passed away of COVID19 a bit more than a month ago.
Anyway, obviously I am tired and rambling/ranting. Short version breaking rapport and trust with me is not going to get me out faster! I guess T may be feeling scared for my safety and as though it would be unprofessional to express his fear... but it would go over better with me than all this pushy BS.