I'm not sure fear is enough motivation for me. Food tastes meh. And "hunger" is usually experienced not as hunger, but as a burning sensation, which in turn makes me feel less like eating. The very act of eating seems like an inconvenience. Feels rather like I'm fighting to maintain a farce I don't want to be a part of. Food is an afterthought to the idea of eating, with the result that I just buy whatever in the moment to consume, which usually is not all that healthy of a choice because it's usually fast food of some kind, and only then, something that won't be "fussy" or take long to eat. I work through lunch at work because what else am I going to do? Stare at a phone to wait for messages/notifications from the friends I don't have? I'd rather just eat tums like candy and power through.

Best of all, it's all anxiety-driven, and I have no inclination to go have some new graduate go playing in my head with hands even less experienced than my own. I don't care that they have a diploma in "life coach work." Lmao Head shrinkers are the reason I have zero trust in any of them because they're more manipulative than the people they're supposed to help.

I have nothing to distract the mind outside of work. Video games are boring me, and even working on my car has become something I have to push myself to do. Plus, I know what the effects are of a lack of food on cognition, so I'm probably not doing myself any favors.

I just...can't find a reason to act in a self-preservatory way. I have no reason for being, no purpose in life beyond simple self-preservation, but I keep coming back to the question of, what am I living for? Every time I find something to hold my interest, that lasts a month or so, and then I'm disappointed again because I'm back to just floating along. Myself as the purpose is not an answer I can accept. That's about the worst answer I can find because it smacks of conceit and arrogance. I dunno...that's just how I feel about it. I don't want to be labeled as someone who only thinks of themself, only, taken to the extreme so that I don't even care to think about myself at all. That's probably why at work it feels like lunch is just a waste of time.

Is that the only answer? Eat because otherwise there's pain? Seems a really ****** choice to be stuck with.