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Originally Posted by Desoxyn
I think I'm having cabin fever. I could do multiple things but I can't decide. I feel alone. My mom is working and she comes home stressed. I feel bad for bringing up the past and telling her to stop drinking and being herself. Now it's like she hates me and doesn't want to cook dinner. I told her that I want to learn how so I can move out - But I'm scared to move out. I feel safe here.
It's really complicated to me. I want to phone my therapist today but I don't know what to say. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't just be happy where I am now and do things. I need constant inspiration - And the inspiration I get sometimes scares me.
I care too much about what other people think. I'm scared of the economy getting worse and all of the uncertainty. I can't focus. I just want to read or something - But I have so much uncertainty - Like I don't know much about the world and everyone seems like they do.
I missed my opportunity to grow mentally as a person when I was isolated, sleeping, helping suicidal people online, doing mindless tasks and working as a mechanic and welder. It was all for nothing. It's like I had no mind - I didn't see life like I do now. I wasted time.
Every song I listen to is horrible. I just want to go somewhere or distract myself away from my room or this house. I'm scared of being unwell and going insane like I was at the end of the injection.
I took an extra vyvanse and more phenibut so if that helps, I'll have to see my psychiatrist so she can prescribe something that can balance my brain chemicals.
I don't feel like exercising cuz I feel like I'd be wasting time. I'm too aware of everything like I just came out of a 20 year long fog.
I'm not happy or content. I'm miserable. I feel like I'm sane and everyone else is insane.. Like everything is just a bunch of pictures and everything is in my imagination - It's spiralling down a dark hole to hell.
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Desoxyn, do you ever think that your adding extra Vyvanse and things like that affects your mental state? I just wonder if you can simplify things. Like only take meds exactly as directed. Pardon me if I'm wrong about this, but are you taking your meds exactly as prescribed by your pdoc? I don't mean to sound blunt, but maybe it could help you to think about it in this way. Just not to deviate from what your pdoc says or prescribes.
I know there's margin for telling your pdoc what you think you should be on, but as for taking meds you're not prescribed, that's a different story.
I don't know. I'll tell a personal anecdote. Once I was messing with all of my meds, increasing dosages on my own and stuff. I increased my Remeron, my Effexor on my own. And I ended up kicking a door down in my family's house. I am not saying you're going to go to something like that if you continue experimenting with meds, but isn't there a certain point at which you would just like to simplify things and just listen to your pdoc only? I really do hope you find some combination or another that works for you. It just concerns me that you are adding extra Vyvanse and things like that. It doesn't sound too good, to tell you the truth.
I am not trying to detract from the pain you're feeling in this state of mind, far from it. I know you're suffering. You are a valued member of the community and I just don't like watching you not do well on meds and stuff. Anyway, be well.
