Thanks for your concern.. but..

My psychiatrist basically ditched me due to cuts on funding for mental health before the coronavirus (Cuz oil was low and the economy here was crashing) - So she wasn't allowed to see anyone on the teleconference anymore. But there was an exception - To possibly see her once before she refers me to another psychiatrist. Then the coronavirus happened.

Stimulants can be prescribed 3-4 times a day. I only take mine once a day. Today I took two.

When I took my meds exactly as prescribed (Such as seroquel and mirtazepine), I had heart palpitations eventually so I stopped them.

I see everything as a grey area. I'm not good with rules. EVERYTHING. All the problems that people are arguing about on the internet, I see both sides. My mind is so open that I feel like I shouldn't be alive. Everyone has beliefs and gets judged for them. I get judged by the video chat people for saying what I don't really mean - Which they take seriously.

I don't take myself seriously. I laugh at myself. I don't think anything is real. I'm just trying to survive. I was a very weird kid too - Like completely disconnected from reality. I don't make any sense. I'm likely intelligent but schizotypal or something.

I don't think objectively - I'm a mixture of subjective experiences - I know that I don't know things - In awe of everything? Autistic? I don't know.

The extra vyvanse is to help me focus on reading as a distraction - Maybe play piano or guitar. I know I have a sleep-wake problem - Never got a sleep test. My treatment team is always so lazy or careful with me yet fascinated by my mind. I've always been praised for my mind - People do things.. I'm rarely ever in my element..

One thing (One very important thing): I've been on meds for many many years. And they keep changing. Most peoples meds keep changing, - People change, environment changes, we grow older, diagnoses change.. I feel like it's all absurd how people are so certain about things.

Maybe if I had a SO or a friend, she/he can help me but I don't want a relationship... And people all they live for is a partner, kids, and the pointlessness of it all to me - People make their own meaning.. I have to do that.. That's why the video chat people got mad.. They're right.. But it's painful to know the truth.. Some lies were said.. No one.. NO ONE - Thinks this much about their convictions and identity and the world and is so damn mental yet sane at the same time.. And the psychedelics.. I don't want to get started.. The government, conspiracies, jobs, passion, beauty in life, contentness, philosophy, spirituality, science, it's allllll gone out the window with my awareness.

All I need is reassurance. I've said that for the longest time. That things will be ok. I don't know if they'll be ok..

I think things will be ok. Will they? ..