I'm chaotic neutral.. I need to be chaotic good..

I might take half another olanzepine.

My thinking is so deep and enlightened and its being blown by itself so much. I'm very intelligent.. but maybe not for long.. or so I think..

Feeling tired.. just everything is so conflicting to themselves like abortion for example.. theres no free will.. then I think about how my dads pot smoking hippie conspiracy friend said that there is when I said there wasn't.. and that my dad is anti-abortion, my mom is a daughter of a cop, who is gay and my granddad was a cop - Yet I'm liberal.. but I appreciate conservatives because of their stability in reality.. a need for caution of change and order.. like Jordan Peterson.. and Joe Rogan is open to everything.. because of DMT.. Terence McKenna considered himself to be schizophrenic.. all of these people have done psychedelics..

I'll try not to go too much into detail.. I think about the backwards paradox now.. the paradox paradox.. it goes deeper..

I think the olanzepine is kicking in. But yeah I was thinking about how I'm in love with the abyss yet love with a partner is deeper than the abyss cuz true love is like two souls swimming beside it and all the dying stars come alive.. so I have to reconsider that too.. the video chat people taught me a lesson... they told me about amfibian people and aliens, Jews etc.. I dont believe in that stuff but one quote Terence McKenna said is that "No one is in control" and even if there was, quantum entanglement theory or the split experiment suggest that all subjective experiences change each other.. we cant be considered as particles but a collection of them..

I'm a good person but I think I'm too scared to fight for what I believe in - Which is nothing.. yet it cant be nothing so I have to chose to grow on the antipsychotics until my clean slate from childhood and the bad trip have been painted on a little bit more.. enough to form a pattern.. instead of just little patterns... that's why I cant talk.. that's why a baby can't talk yet.. and longer for people with autism.. so am I really autistic?

Its morning so my cat is running around.. poor cat.. shes scared cuz the other cat torments here.. (Wow a good sentence).. I must be at least a bit better.. the zopiclone and Zyprexa are sedating. It's a huge relief. I could write forever.. I'd love to be a writer because I'd be good it.

Have a nice morning all...