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Originally Posted by fern46
Yeah, probably not. I'm sorry to hear about her mother. That must be difficult. Sorry you have been her punching bag.
I feel like we exchange information even when we don't speak it openly. I experience that a lot in group settings. We are all clarsentient to one degree or another. She probably knows you know. That perhaps triggers her even more. That's not on you though. You have every right to handle a betrayal like that however you see fit.
You can though just say you do not resonate with her accusations of you in the moment when she projects onto you. Saving the bigger issue for another time or maybe never ever seems wise. You can process that internally without her being a part of it. Your ability to move on is only dependent on her if you believe it is.
You're a really good guy. I hope one day she learns to value you instead of pushing on you like she does.
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Thank you, fern. Yeah, I think what has happened for her is that she has fallen back on her primary coping skill for tragedy/deep pain/personal terror, which is, dissociation. So, for her, this whole experience is parked away in a corner of her brain and walled off by the kind of denial of reality that most people can only dream of. If it doesn't exist in her consciousness, then, she doesn't have to address any of it and her pain is lessened. Kind of. Maybe a little. It sort of works, for a little while, until it gets triggered again, at which time, she must gather it all up and re-park it away in that same corner once more and resume pretending like it never happened.
It took me awhile to learn all this, but once I did, it seemed fairly plain that attempting to engage with her on any of this was never going to work for me, because in her conscious brain, none of it ever happened. It does not exist. I feel great empathy and compassion for her. It must be very difficult to try to live this way.