In 2015, I was in the hospital having my previous diagnosis of depression (for 25+ years!) changed by a group of doctors. I was my wife's manager at our company. I was later summarily removed from my position due to my episode (it was given for other reasons, but I think we all know that bullsh!t story). Anyway, at the time, my employee (later my friend and then my wife) remembers me talking about a diagnosis of bipolar 1. When I was released, I was given discharge paperwork. I put it into a black filing cabinet as one does. Somewhere over the last five years, I have to have lost it. I don't know what I did. I feel stupid to have lost that important paperwork. Believe it or not, I can't even find my paperwork from March, but my wife assures me that she knows exactly where it is and will show me today as long as I don't move it without telling her first. So now... we wonder if my diagnosis is BP1 and I got confused at the hospital, and that would fit more of my sparse but more explosive mania. Buying cars and then breaking down in a dealership until they honor the return policy. Buying canoes and truck hitches. Buying five kindles in a row because I scratch the screens, and need them to be perfect. Buying a large TV out of my retirement without consulting with anyone because the previous large one broke and I couldn't not live like a king and watch on a smaller tv. Or my agitation, always the agitation. Feeling white-hot anger. Having control over it, but feeling it, like a hot poker. Needing PRNs to bring myself back from the heat and the anxiety.

Today I printed out a request for medical records from that 2015 hospitalization, and will start to get some information. I really think that diagnosis was correct and that my lack of ability to hold onto important information is what has failed me. My pdoc also has though. She listened to my history, and somehow determined that I have hypomania. My wife and I just don't see that as a possibility. I don't know, but at least I feel like I'm taking action. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.