I just woke up from a brief nap. A thought went through my mind, coming from I don't know where. This is awful to share here.

The thought was: Now I'm not special or important to anyone. I'm not a student. I'm not an employee. I'm not a part of a family that lives together. I'm no one's significant other. What I do, or don't do, for the rest of the day doesn't matter to anyone.

His family never cared much about me and won't start now. I got one responsible sister far away who will make the occasional phone call because she's a responsible person. If I start having any real difficulties, I'll be a burden to her.

I'm alone . . . and I don't really matter to anyone.

I guess the Ativan I took this morning wore off. I was taking it when I would start uncontrollably sobbing. Then I'ld be reasonably calmed down for awhile.

But I'm not hysterical or sobbing now. I'm alone in a quiet apartment. I have this thought that . . . I'm unloved and I no longer matter to anyone.

I feel like this is thinking straight out of hell.

A lot of times, when family say, "I hope you'll be alright." what they really mean is, "I hope you're not going to become a crazy person who can't take care of herself, so now we've got to be burdened with worrying about you. I don't want to be the person whom those who know her have to feel pity for . . . and wish she wasn't a worry to them.

I better get up and go to the store.

Without him, I'm not anything important to anyone. This feels awful lonely.

Up until now, I thought I was in grief because I missed him and his love. But now I realize that I didn't just lose a man I loved deeply . . . . . I lost the only person in the world to whom I really mattered.

How am I going to figure my way out of this?