Hello everybody, this is my first post on this forum so please forgive me if this is posted in the wrong place.

I am a 19 year old male currently dealing with social isolation. I have been dealing with this issue well before the start of COVID-19, I would say since the age of 15, but I don't want to discuss all the details that led me into this state.

I have 0 friends. No one calls me, no one texts me, no one comes to visit me. I used to have friends when I was in high school but I lost every single one of them after becoming withdrawn and haven't talked to any of them in a few years. Pretty much everyday is the same for me, it's like living in groundhog day. During the week I get up, work for 10 hours, come home, waste away whatever free time I have and repeat until the weekend when I just sit home in my room for the entire day. This has caused me to experience extreme amounts of loneliness as well as self esteem issues.

I feel that I have lost the ability to connect with anyone at the emotional level. Whenever I am around my family at events I feel extremely isolated from everybody else and I am extremely embarrassed about my isolation so I often lie to my family members about having friends and such, although I know eventually as the years go by and I don't bring any around they'll get suspicious, and I suspect they already are. The only people in my family who truly understand the extent of my isolation are my parents and my oldest brother.

I don't really know how to go out or make any friends. As said I can't relate or connect with anyone anymore and I know everyone would think I am an extremely odd individual. I do have a lot of self esteem issues particularly around my facial appearance and my intelligence. Due to the loneliness that I experience I don't really feel like I'm a person anymore

I don't know what to do anymore. I am stuck. I truly feel like there is no one for me and I don't even think I could ever be in a relationship with a girl since I cannot express my emotions too well and I don't think I can handle intimacy. In many ways I am walking contradiction because I want to get out of this but there it's almost like there is a pathological part of me that doesn't. My life is meaningless, everything is barren and waste. There is nothing for me. I am completely stuck.