I remade the hospital bed. In the daytime, we would do it up to look like a daybed- like a couch. He loved when I got that done in the morning.

I thought once I got started that I'ld pick up momentum. I always did when he was here. I'll try to do more. I have to do it.

You've all done your best. I don't expect handholding every hour. Even patients in psych hospitals don't get that. Far from it.

I feel like I have no reason for doing anything. Oh, I know I could chose to do nothing for tonight. But that will just make me feel worse.

My boyfriend and I were a family. Every human needs to belong to a family. I'm not young anymore. Not that I'ld want to go re-live one of my younger years. I know I'm seriously depressed. Aside from the grief, I'm depressed. I've known all along that my main fear wasn't bearing the grief, but being overcome with depression. I'm not completely overcome yet.

Depression, I believe, is more of a symptom than a disease. I'm depressed because I'm very lonely.

I'm not lonely just because I'm alone. I'm afraid I will always be lonely. That's based on experience. Before I met him, I was very lonely. I lived alone for years. When I was 30, I was almost to where I couldn't stand it. I met him when I was 31. I'm afraid it's going to be like when I was in the years leading up to age 30.

It's not normal for a person in fresh gruef to be all alone. That's what family and friends and neighbors are for. My family are 2000 miles away. Being with them didn't work out too good either. My sister got drinking and turned hostile. So I spent 4 nights in a hotel. The place wasn't cheap, but it was pretty grim. But I didn't feel as bad there as I do here now.